Dangerous new species
Sydney Morning Herald
Tuesday July 21, 2009
TRAIN travel is fraught with danger. Rail carriages are infested. Infection is everywhere.Forget swine flu, this is the real pandemic.The moment you are brave or foolish enough to enter a rail carriage, you are exposed to a menacing variety of toxic life forms posing a danger to health, sanity, comfort and serenity.Fortunately, extensive research has identified the more malevolent of these forms.The first is known as Infectus magnanimous. Contact with this is unavoidable. Proof? When you enter a carriage just start counting. Before you reach 10 this species will sneeze or cough. The reflex response is to hold your breath, and cover your face with your hand, hat, tissue, laptop or whatever you can get your hands on. To no avail, of course, as all those bacteria are being sucked into the air conditioning, and will soon spread through the carriage.Then there is Territoria impenetrabilis. This form usually infests its territory with large bags, food wrappers, polystyrene cups, cast-off coats, and a pair of feet nestling casually on the seat opposite. A subspecies is the Bibliophile impenetrabilis, whose apparent complete absorption with his book allows him to be oblivious to the fact that people are standing, and thus to avoid the bother of having to move to let someone sit in the vacant seat beside him.However the real and greatest danger is found in the rampant species identified as Mobilus moronicus. Several subspecies make up this group including the well known Voluma maximus. Back in the Stone Age we used to go into a little red booth and conduct a private phone conversation. Members of this species forget that they have a phone, and seemingly insist on involving the whole carriage in the conversation.Oesophagus cavernous (common name: Deep throat) usually talk about work, and how Shane is clocking off early, and Mandy is ringing her boyfriend in Alaska on the office phone.Character deconstructa, in hushed, conspiratorial tones, dish the dirt it's a bit like Days of Our Lives without pictures, and half the dialogue. The frustrating thing about this group is that the soft voice makes it hard to pick up all the salacious details.New species appear to be developing among younger travellers, such as the Twittera hyperactivis who converse at a zillion words a second, with every other word being "like".Travellers, you have been warned.Readers are invited to send 450 words on what makes their blood boil to heckler@smh.com.au. Include your daytime phone details.
© 2009 Sydney Morning Herald
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